Dear Diary
by xXxAngelDestined2FallxXx
Summary: Bella went through alot in New Moon and the book explains her feelings excellently. But Edward had never known exactly what she was feeling during those months. That is, until he finds her diary. He and the other Cullens read about Bella's feelings while they were away and are concerned at what they see.
1. Chapter 1

Edward's POV

I smiled as I gently stroked my Bella's hair as she slept. I was surprised that she didn't seem to be having nightmares; it would be the first night in a while.

As she slept I glanced around her room. It had been around two days since we'd returned from Italy and the room was still impeccably tidy. This was not a trait of the Bella I used to know. But, of course, I shouldn't have expected to come home and find her to be exactly the same. Human's change all the time. It shouldn't shock me to see her room neat every day, even if I know I was never able to see the floor.  
I looked down at the angel sleeping next to me, and as I did the slightest of smiles crept onto her face.  
Oh, how I'd give absolutely anything to see into her mind just for a moment, to find out what made her feel so happy in her deepest of subconscious thoughts.

When I raised my eyes a silver glint on the floor caught my eye. It was a tiny key. For some reason, it sparked my curiosity and I gingerly removed myself from under Bella and picked it up, careful not to let the key make a sound. I'd only seen a key like this one time in my life, and that time it had belonged to a diary.  
I lifted the key to my nose and sniffed it soundlessly, picking up on the scent. I put the key onto the dressing table and tried to sniff the air; to see if I could locate what the key belonged to. I caught the scent quite quickly in the small room and it led me straight to one f her dresser drawers.

I walked up to it and gently pulled it open, knowing that it would creak if I moved too fast. I would hate for Bella to wake up and find me snooping around her room. As soon as it was open enough for me to put my hand in it, I started digging through it. It didn't take long for me to realize that it was her underwear drawer. I tried to take too much pleasure in the fact that I was touching the fabric that covered her most private areas. But I couldn't help the sensation of excitement I felt whenever my fingers touched on something made of lace.

Finally, my hand enclosed around something hard. I pulled it out and realized that it was a book. It was black with violet embroidering printed here and there. And it was locked. Unable to control my curiosity now, I sped across the room to the keys again and hurriedly unlocked it, pausing to see if she noticed the audible _click _that echoed through the room as it unlocked and sighing with relief when I realized that she hadn't.

I knew it was wrong, going into other people's private property, but I simply couldn't resist. And I knew Bella would forgive me, not that I planned on telling her. Just as I opened the cover my phone buzzed in my pocket. I jumped in shock but thankfully didn't drop the book. I quickly answered my phone, fearing the vibrations could actually be heard in the silence of the night.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Edward." It was Alice. "I don't think you want to do that."

I looked down at the Diary of Bella Swan in my hands and knew that was what she meant. "Why not?" My tone wasn't defensive, but honestly curious. I knew my sister well enough to know that she wouldn't clue anyone in, and that she would only call about it out of genuine concern

"Because," she hesitated, "I'm not sure you'll be okay with what you see . . . ,"

I almost laughed. "I know what I'm doing."

Alice was never one to pry. "Okay. Don't say I didn't warn you." Then the line went dead. I loved that about her. She knew when to keep her distance form certain things . . . at times.

I put the phone down and quickly went back to the book. After turning a couple of pages I got to the first page with actual writing. And it was Bella's unruly scrawl. I almost smiled. Then I saw the date of the entry. My mind went blank.  
Hesitantly, I started to read.

21 September 2006

Dear Diary . . . 


	2. Chapter 2

Edward's POV

So this was what Alice had meant. Bella had kept this diary while we were gone. Written how she felt all those months. I didn't know why it upset me, but it did. Many girls kept journals, but somehow the thought of Bella feeling she would be more comfortable talking to a book than me hurt me. There were obviously things in here that she hadn't told me.  
I knew she always edited out the bad stuff when I asked about that time. Just to spare my feelings. I didn't agree to that.

Suddenly, I began to question whether or not I really wanted to see this. But I shook off the thought. I _needed _to see this. And I knew Bella would never tell me the full truth. I took a deep, unnecessary breath and began to read again.

It has been only a few days since they left. Since he left. I can't stand to think of them. It only hurts me more. At least I can stand to eat and sleep again. I feel like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. I don't know what hurt the most. Maybe the fact that they took everything with them. He promised that it would be as if he never existed. As if there were any way that could be possible.  
The waves of pain keep lapping at me. I'm still waiting for the day it becomes too much, and washes over my face, finally pulling me under for the rest of eternity. I do not ever want to resurface.

By the time I had finished reading through the entry for a third time, my hands were digging into the pages, threatening to rip them apart. I took a few more breaths and reminded myself that I needed to now this for myself, exactly how much pain had I caused her? That one paragraph alone threatened to tear me apart. I heard the words in my head in her voice as I read them. I could picture her, sitting at her desk and writing it, knowing that there was nobody she could truly talk to if she was going to keep our secret.

She had suffered more trying to keep us safe.

I groaned softly and sat down on the rocking chair in the corner of her room. I was going to read through this. I needed to know. I had to know how much she had suffered.

I flipped through quite a few blank pages before I found a brand new entry, dated in January. It made me wonder how much she had been through for all those months. Was she in so much pain that she couldn't even write? I cringed at the thought, but kept reading.

1 January 2006

Dear Diary

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

I winced at how graphic her words were. I suddenly realized that this was the turning point. The point of no return. The point that changed my Bella forever. Her words cut through me like a blade. Time definitely didn't have the effect I had hoped it would on her. I turned the page and noticed how much more frantic her hand-writing had become. It was the longest entry. I began reading.

3 January 2006  
Dear Diary

I saw him. And heard his voice. I was walking up to a bunch of guys outside a bar who looked like the ones I had been herded by in Port Angeles so long ago. As I approached them, I saw him. He was warning me, telling me to stop walking towards them.  
In the instant that I heard his voice, everything was very clear. Like my head had suddenly surfaced out of some dark pool. I was more aware of the cold air of the night that I hadn't even noticed.  
I know he wasn't there, and yet, he felt improbably close, close for the first time since . . . since the end.  
There was concern in his voice.  
Maybe I had been having some sort of hallucination? Triggered by the memory. What are the possibilities?  
Option one: I was crazy.  
Possible.  
Option two: My mind was giving me what it thought I wanted. Wish-fulfillment.  
Probable.  
But I was _grateful_.  
I was not allowed to think of him. This was something I tried to be very strict about. I was getting better at it, so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time. The trade-off was the never-ending numbness.  
Between pain and nothing, I'd chosen nothing.

I was shocked, but I didn't give myself the chance to recover before turning the page and reading the next entry. I knew if I even paused for a minute, I'd lose my will to continue.

4 January 2006

Dear Diary

I waited all night for the pain to return, or the numbness. It must still be coming. I feel too alert. This frightens me.  
As much as I struggle not to think of him, I don't struggle to forget. I always worry late at night, that it _was _all slipping away. That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his skin, or the texture of his voice.  
I could not _think _of them, but I must _remember _them.  
There is just one thing I have to believe to be able to live – I have to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I can endure, as long as he exists.  
That's why I'm more trapped in Forks than I had ever been, why I fight with Charlie when he suggests a change. It shouldn't matter; nobody was coming back.  
But if I go to Jacksonville, or anywhere else bright and unfamiliar, how could I be sure he's real? In a place where I can never imagine him, the conviction might fade . . . and that I cannot live with.

Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget. It's a hard line to walk.

I groaned and shut the book. I didn't know why I was reacting this way. What did I honestly expect? But even though I knew she was upset, I didn't know how truly miserable she had been. That's the part that was killing me. I looked out the window and saw light starting to shine through. I knew Bella would be up soon. I quickly shoved the book into my jacket and jumped out of the window. I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

"Good morning, Edward," Esme greeted me as I walked through the door. "How was your night?"

"Shocking," I responded, causing her to furrow her eyebrows in confusion. "Carlisle, Alice, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper," I said softly, my voice had a hard edge to it. "Could you all come down here for a bit? I want to talk to you all."

Everybody was in front of me in a second, fearing the worst.

"Where's Bella?" Alice asked.

"Sleeping. Listen, I would very much like for you all to do me a favor." I fished out the book and held it up. "This is Bella's diary. It's from when we left. I would like for you to read the first three entries but that's all. The rest I would like for us to read together. I have a feeling this entails Bella's thoughts and emotions very well and I want us all to have a part in this. Then, I want us to come up with a solution." I flung the book onto the table. "A person doesn't just get over that kind of grief."

Without another word, I walked out of the house, leaving them all staring at the book with wide eyes, fearing what they didn't want to know.


End file.
